Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
