At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
