I accidentally burped into my bong.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
50% drunk capacity currently
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
