Four minutes until I can fart!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
