Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
