This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
