Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
