If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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