just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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