no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
3pm strippers are depressing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
