i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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