there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch