Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.