On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.