I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
