I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
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Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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