Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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