you have to choose: penises or morals?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
