Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
