I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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