Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
