I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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