her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my poor anus
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
