you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
