It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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