I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
