Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
