Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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