Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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