Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
