i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
