So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
