why didn't you poke me back
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
