She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
