I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
