I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
