We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
