I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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