I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
