Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
