Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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