Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
