I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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