I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
