If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
