you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
