I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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