there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
