woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
