We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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