my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
