So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
