Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
