Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
