So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
