We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
