Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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