What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize